JD: Look, this obviously isn't going too well. I've got a few more questions, then I've got to run; THE WEST WING is on in a few minutes, and I love that show…

G: INDEED. I ENJOY THE PERFORMANCE OF THE WOMAN WHO PLAYS CEE-JAY. SHE IS AT ONCE DELIGHTFULLY STRONG, YET POSESSED OF AN INNER FRAGILITY AND FEMININITY THAT IS MOST REFRESHING. IT WILL BE WITH A SAD HEART THAT I CONSIGN HER TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE.

JD: Why? Why would she have to go to hell?

G: VERILY, FOR THE REASON THAT SO MANY OF MY FLOCK HAVE BEEN LOST. THERE IS AN ISSUE AND AN EDICT UPON WHICH I HAVE BEEN MOST CLEAR, AND MOST EMPHATIC, AND YET MY WILL AND MY WORDS GO UNHEEDED.

JD: What's that?

G: VERILY, HAVE I SAID, IN LANGUAGE MOST CLEAR, THOU SHALT NOT WEAR A GARMENT OF DIVERS SORTS, AS OF WOOLLEN AND LINEN TOGETHER. DEUTERONOMY, 22:11. AND YET, WHEN I CAST MINE EYE EARTHWARD, I SEE A SEETHING OCEAN OF SIN. COTTON AND POLYESTER, MIXED INTO THE SAME TIES. SHIRTS WHICH PROUDLY FLOUT MY DIVINE WILL, AND ANNOUNCE THE PERCENTAGE OF DIVERSITY OF EACH FABRIC. INDEED, ON THE DAY OF WEIGHING, SHALL THESE VERY NUMBERS BE RECOUNTED AND THE SOULS OF THE SINNERS SHALL SUFFER ETERNAL TORMENT.

JD: But..but..that's silly.

G: IT IS THE EXPRESS WILL OF GOD. WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION IT?

JD: Why would you possibly care about that?

G: I MOVE IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS, HAVE YOU NOT GOT THAT MEMO? IN MY ESITMATION, ALL OF MY EDICTS SHARE EQUAL WEIGHT. IT SHALL NOT GO LIGHTLY ON YOU IF YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME HERE, BUT HONORED MY OTHER COMMANDS. IF A MAN ENTERS YOUR HOUSE, AND ONLY BREAKS THREE OF YOUR DISHES, IS HE COUNTED A BETTER GUEST THAN ONE WHO BREAKS FIVE? DISH BREAKERS ARE YE ALL.

JD: But.. That's so pointless and arbitrary.Stupid even. God is STUPID!! Why would that be a sin?

G: I AM THAT I AM, AND... Gotcha!!!!

JD: Huh?

(The screen flickers, and the burning Yule Log is replaced by the smiling face of George Burns)

G: I had you going there for a while, didn't I? I love that.

JD: Wait a minute, I don't get it. What happened to the inhuman voice of authority? That was a put-on?

G: Anybody who thinks that that's who I am, and that's what I'm all about is the recipient of my divine pity. It should be pretty clear with those who have eyes to see that the conception of Me, as an angry Sky-Diety who issues meaningless commands like a mad potentate from beyond the cosmos is really just the struggling group mind of humanity trying to come to grips with a reality that seems harsh and arbitrary. The ancient Hebrews who wrote that clap-trap lived in a desert. They thought the Earth was all there was in the grand cosmos, and that it was flat. Do you think they could get THOSE things wrong, but somehow understand the will of the architect of everything? C'mon. That's silly.

JD: So why the whole set up with me? Why play into that?

G: It is true, I *do* tend to move in mysterious ways. Why don't you try and figure out why? Despite your selfconception as a "free thinker," Dobbin, you have your own pre-concieved notions and prejudices.

JD:Wait.. So you're saying the Bible is NOT your "word?"

G: See? There's your agenda, right there. You're so concerned with debunking what you feel is a fraud, you've stopped looking for my "word" altogether. You're more concerned with finding out what and who is a fraud than you are about finding the truth.

JD: That's not true.

G: Isn't it? Take a look through your own site. You'll see a theme emerge. Look, you want to "hear" me? Maybe the "me" you're looking for is all wrong. Maybe I speak in a different language, and maybe you can "hear" my "words" better by stopping and wondering once in a while. Look at the sunset. Look through a telescope. Fall in love. Hold a baby.Play an instrument.Take off your shoes and walk throug a rainstorm.Dance! And while you're doing it, don't try to be constantly parsing it all through some clever filter of language. Feel it. You'll find me in there. At least, you'll find me sooner than you will searching through a laundry list of "thou shalt nots."

JD: But...What happens when we *do* find you?

G: AARGh! If there's anything about consiousness that DOES frustrate me, it's that sort of thought. You all seem locked into some mode of thinking that finding an "answer" is the ultimate END. The fact is, the "meaning of life" is painfully simple. It's a reflexive argument. A=A. Life exists to live.Always has, in all it's forms. From bacteria, to you, and beyond. Exist; percieve, enjoy. And keep the line going. Everything else is ancillary. When Michaelangelo created the Pieta, did crowds stand in front of it and say, "So what's it do?" No. So why, when presented with the greatest work of art ever crafted-EXISTANCE itself, do you people feel the need to define it's purpose? What function does art serve, but to be art? Finding the "meaning of life" is easy, kid. It's like the shampoo instruction- Repeat as Neccessary.

That's it. Life exists, it's a gift. Live in it. Don't hurt anybody, if you can help it. All the other stuff is just, as you said, kind of silly. I've got to go. But before I do, consider THIS question, too.. Who do you think you were REALLY talking to here?