G: DON'T EXPECT ME TO TWEAK YOUR NOSE AND SAY, "BOOP!" LIKE IN THAT SMITH-MOVIE. OR TO SAY "PLASTICS." I AM THE BEGINNING AND THE END. THE MEANING OF ALL EXISTANCE IS TO PRAISE ME. WHAT PART OF THAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? ALL THIS ANGST-Y CRAP, "WHY AM I HERE? HOW IS EVIL ALLOWED TO EXIST? WHAT DOES GOD WANT OF ME?" WHEN I HAVE STATED CLEARLY IN THE BIBLE, AND IN MY OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED LINE OF FILMS STARRING GEORGE BURNS, TIME AND TIME AGAIN, THAT MINE IS THE POWER AND THE GLORY. I AM THE MEANING OF LIFE. ME. GOD, JEHOVAH. YAWEH. THE BIG G. NEXT QUESTION.

JD: But, wait, I mean, are you saying that the ultimate end of all human existence, in it's myriad forms, in it's expressions, in it's art, and thought and deed… the whole point of the entire tapestry of existence is to praise you?

G: YEP.

JD: That seems a bit odd…

G: I AM THAT-

JD- …that you are, I know, I heard. My point is this, though. It strikes me as odd that a being so grand would create a universe, and people it with creations, give those creations the will and ability, hell, the propensity, even, to reject it, then stack the deck and provide no proof of it's existence, THEN, torment those creations for all time, if, in the short time they lived, they didn't eventually come around to devoting their entire being to telling you how great you are. That seems cruel.

G: I MOVE IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. AND HEY, NO PROOF OF MY EXISTENCE?! I GAVE YOU PEOPLE STONE TABLETS. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

JD: One might aruge that two small stone tablets aren't exactly compelling proof of the existence of a force that crafted the entire universe… But even so, it seems your period of intense interactivity with your creations took place over two thousand years ago. If reports are to be believed, hardly a day went by without you parting this sea, or striking down this city, or holding the sun in it's place in the sky…You created humanity, don't you understand we have a "what have you done for me lately" mindset?

G: IT IS TRUE, DURING THE TIME OF WHICH YOU SPEAK, MY ALMIGHTY HAND WAS MORE PRONE TO TOUCH THE WORLD IN A MORE DRAMATIC FASHION, BUT I HAVE NOT LEFT. JUST YESTERDAY, I MADE IT SO THAT A LAY'S POTATO CHIP WAS FOUND WITH A MARK THAT LOOKED LIKE THE FACE OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN. THE VERY SAME BAG HAD ONE IN THE SHAPE OF W.C. FIELDS. THERE ARE NONE SO BLIND AS THEY WHO WILL NOT SEE.

JD: "Blessed Virgin." There's a topic that I want to get into. Many organized religions have decreed that sex and pleasure are, by their nature, sinful. How could that be, since the very processes they are a part of were a) crafted by divine mandate, and b) help insure that the world is fruitful, and multiplies?

G: DON'T USE MY OWN WORDS AGAINST ME. INDEED, I SAID UNTO ABRAHAM, BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY. NEVER DID I SAY, "ENJOY IT." REMEMBER TOO, I ALSO MADE HIM CUT OFF A PIECE OF HIS OWN WEEN. AND WITH A ROCK, YET.

JD: OK, let's change the topic here. What's heaven like?

G: HEAVEN IS MY REALM, WHERE THE CHOIRS OF ANGELS SING SONGS OF SUCH BEAUTY THAT THERE ARE NO WORDS OF HUMAN RECOKONING TO COMPREHEND IT.

JD: And hell?

G: HELL SUCKS. PART OF THE FUN OF HEAVEN IS MAKING FUN OF THE PEOPLE IN HELL.
JD: But are you not a god of infinite mercy?

G: OF COURSE I AM. JUST DON'T CROSS ME, OR I SHALL BLOT YOUR NAME FROM THE BOOK OF LIFE, AND TORMENT YOU ETERNALLY. IT'S QUITE SIMPLE. IF I WERE NOT OMNISCIENT, I'D HONESTLY BE BAFFLED BY HOW YOU FOLK ARE SO THICK.

JD: There's a tale in the Bible that has always sat ill with me, ever since Hebrew School. Abraham and Issac. The long and short of it is that you told Abraham to offer up some doves and animals to you, and he did. Then you told him that he must sacrifice his son, Issac to you. He did not want to, but he began to oblige, and when you saw that his intent was to follow through, and kill the boy because you had asked him, you stopped his hand.

G: THAT IS CORRECT. AND PROOF, INDEED, OF MY BOUNTIFUL MERCY.

JD: Right, but, at least as it's taught, the thing is, you were proud of Abraham, that he was going to do it, and stopped him because you only wanted to test him, to see if his devotion was that complete…

G: YOUR POINT?

JD: That's terrible! I would think that, since you created "free will" so that people could choose between right and wrong, virtue or evil, no matter WHAT the circumstance, that you would have wanted him to deny that request, and face whatever punishment he thought you would give. That the way to "pass" that "test of faith" would be to fail it, and choose righteousness, even in the face of an edict by the Lord Himself. I'd think that would be the ultimate test of free will, and that you'd be angry if he just mindlessly went along with it, even though he didn't want to…

G: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO RUN A WEBSITE? DO NOT TELL THE ALMIGHTY, LORD GOD AND KING OF THE UNIVERSE, AND HOLIEST OF HOLIES, HOW HE SHOULD REACT. YOU SEEM TO HAVE DIFFUCLTY WITH THIS CENTRAL CONCEPT- THE CREATION OF THIS "FREE WILL," WHICH YOU ARE OBSESSED ABOUT, WAS AND IS THE MEANS TO AN END. I MADE FREE WILL SO THAT YOU WOULD CHOOSE TO DENY THAT WILL, AND FOLLOW MY OWN. THE WILL ISTELF IS NOT THE ISSUE. IT IS THE REJECTION OF IT, AND THE EMBRACE AND PRAISE OF ME.

JD: That does not make sense.

G:YOU DO NOT POSESS THE CAPABILITY OF UNDERSTANDING HOW MUCH SENSE IT MAKES. ENOUGH THAT I, BLESSED BE MY NAME, DO, AND TELL YOU TO BELIEVE IT.

IT MAKE SENSE THAT I CREATED LIGHT BEFORE I CREATED THE STARS. I DO NOT NEED TO MAKE SENSE. I AM SENSE, AND AM ALL THAT IS. YOURS IS NOT TO QUESTION MY WAYS.