A BIG ASS FEATURE Interview with The Devil..... Written by Josh Dobbin, copyright 1999 When I had originally agreed to this assignment, I felt the sort of nervousness that you would expect… I mean, Lucifer, the King of Fallen Angels… How cool is that? I'd always been a big fan of his work, and to meet him in person for an interview; well, let's just say it felt more like scoring a spot on MTV's FANatic show than a paying interview gig. After speaking with his people, we decided to meet at the "restaurant" chain he had created on a dare: Starbucks. Apparently, God bet Satan that people would never pay $3.50 for hot, flavored water. Satan, true to form, proved to have a trick or two up his sleeve. Satan, Lord of Infinite Darkness, Former Archangel Josh Dobbin, All-around Good Egg and former Rug Salesman JD: So…Gosh, where to begin? I guess I'll start off by saying you look different than I expected. S: (smiles, shaking head) I get that a lot. People expect either some kind of brimstone smelling goat-man with oversized genitals and bat wings… Or, alternately, a 70s-type, widow's peaked, van-dyke wearing look… JD: There's a picture of a devil called "Asmodeus" in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual.. The original edition. I had always figured you looking like that. The slick-back Eddie Munster do, with horns and all. S:You know, that dorky ideal is probably the most commonly held misconception. Nowhere is it more cliche, or more insulting, for that matter, than the book you mention. I know this is sort of tangential to the interview, but there's proof positive right there that I have nothing to do with Dungeons and Dragons. If I made that game, you think I'd have such a crummy picture of me? Do you think I'd even classify myself in a book called a Monster Manual? C'mon. JD: I suppose I really didn't know what to expect. But I guess if I had to pick a celebrity look-alike for you, I'd have to say…TV's Bruce Boxlietner. S: Who's he? JD: um, Scarecrow and Mrs. King….Also, he was the second captain on Babylon five…Captain Sheridan. S: Oh. I never really got into that show, although everybody told me it was really better than Star Trek. I think it's lack of a firm time slot really hurt it. You'd flip through TV on the weekend, and sometimes its on at seven, sometimes at four…Plus, I really have a busy schedule. JD: What kind of things keeps a Satan busy? S: Well, I am the personifcation of the concept of Evil. That sounds glamorous in concept, but in practice it really comes down to a lot of drudge work. Although I'm not responsible for a lot of what you might like to think… JD: Ok. Surprise me. What are a few man made things that are generally ascribed to you. S: Well, there's a few biggies. First off- War. Never had anything to do with war. That's all you guys. I'm concerned more with personal choices of morality within individuals: Avarice, infidelity, sloth…. Those are the things that net me souls at the end of the day. But the whole concept of you people dressing up and going off to beaches and whatnot to kill each other… That's not my bag. JD: Really? S: (smiles ironically as he lifts hand to chest) God's Honest. Also, there's something that burns my ass that I get blamed for. This is a pet peeve…. Possession. "Demonic" possession. JD: What about it? S: It doesn't exist. I don't do it. None of my employees do it. Next Page